Having A Hard Time Praying

Prayer...
It's the lifeblood of a follower of Christ, a chaser of God.
Prayer has been defined as spiritual breathing... well, I guess I've been holding my breath for a while.

I don't know what it is, but I have had no desire to schedule off a time to "spend" with God. As I've mentioned before, I am a believer in the whole idea of practicing the presence of God, so God knows very well what I am going through. But there is something to be said about having a scheduled time with God where you read Scriptures, pray Scriptures, and petition God with your prayers (see Philippians 4:6-7). And, well, Ien having trouble with that.

I feel so burnt. I feel so tired. I feel like I do almost nothing for myself. I feel like I do not do anything I enjoy... except for playing bass and worshipping God that way.

But I know I need to come to God.

Maybe there's a sense of being ripped off. I know God is good, but somewhere deep inside my subconscious is a belief that it is too much hard work to get anything from God. I "know" it's not true, because Jesus Himself said:

"What father among you, if his son asks for a loaf of bread, will give him a stone; or if he asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, evil as you are, know how to give good gifts [gifts that are to their advantage] to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask and continue to ask Him!"

At the same time, I believe in being honest with God. And that's why I am sharing how I feel. I know God doesn't get mad or angry when I am honest with Him. He wants me to be honest. Nothing is more distasteful than someone who pretends everything is OK and good, but on the inside they are full of hate, anger, murderous thoughts, etc.

I use King David as my example. Look at some things he wrote:

- "I will give thanks to the LORD because of his righteousness and will sing praise to the name of the LORD Most High." - Psalm 7:17

- "Praise be to the LORD , for he showed his wonderful love to me when I was in a besieged city." - Psalm 31:21

- "Sing praises to God, sing praises; sing praises to our King, sing
praises." - Psalm 47:6

- "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?" - Psalm 22:1

- "I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears." - Psalm 6:6

- "When I weep and fast, I must endure scorn;" - Psalm 69:10

- "You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound." - Psalm 4:7

- "Pour out your wrath on them; let your fierce anger overtake them." - Psalm 69:24

We see David showing emotions from joy and praise, to weeping and even anger or vengefulness. But David was always described as a "man after God's own heart." So, even though things don't seem to be going my way... at least in my eyes... I know that my God is for me and not against me. I know that He has a plan for my future, a plan to prosper me. Praise God!

Be blessed!

God works all things together for our good!

NOTE: I started writing this post on Tuesday, October 5th, 2004, but I wasn't able to complete it, because it turned into a bit of an autobiography of the last 10 years, so here it is.

Something happened today (October 5th), and through it, God taught me a lesson that was ten years in the making!

There is a verse that my good friend, Frank, has been quoting to me since the first day we've met (around 8 years now). It is Romans 8:28, which says:

"We are assured and know that [God being a partner in their labor] all things
work together and are [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those who love
God and are called according to [His] design and purpose."

This verse has helped me through various pains and struggles, but little did I know how true and how real this verse was to my whole life (BTW, this verse is true to all who are called according to His purposes... which means all of us!). Let me explain.

We often go through life, encountering difficulties, pains, obstacles, hurts, suffering, blessings, honours, mercies, and a whole lot more. Yet, we rarely know how each event connects to us and to our whole life. Rarely, and especially when you are in it, does a storm of life look like something beneficial for your future life. However, God uses ALL things for our good, even when we do not see it. What has happened in my own life is proof positive of God's faithfulness and goodness.

This part of the story begins about 10 years ago.

I graduated from Concordia University with a Bachelor's degree in Electrical Engineering in 1995. During those 9 and a half years, I started a Master's and never completed it. I worked for a company called Wavesat (which has completely changed since I worked there), and was laid off, along with 40 other employees, about 10 months later. I then went unemployed for another 10 months, at which point I landed a part-time teaching job at Dawson College. 8 months later, after months of fruitless job searching, I took a part-time job at a coffee shop called Pekarna. 4 months later, I was made manager at Pekarna. At the same time, I also managed to get some part-time teaching substitution work at Dawson each semester. But to say I was earning what my education supposedly said I deserved would be a lie.

During that time, I also got married and bought a triplex... which is a total miracle and a subject of a future post!

So here I was, an engineer by education, a part-time teacher and coffee-shop manager by profession, married, land-owner and over $20K in debt (not including my car and mortgage), and I was barely making $20K a year! On top of all that, I was unable to even land an interview for an engineering position... I've had a total of 5 interviews since I was laid off from Wavesat: 1 at Pekarna (got the job), 2 at a medical imaging company (did not get either position), and 2 at Dawson (one for the teaching positions and one for a technician position and I got both... the technician position is part of what I learnt from God!)

When you look at the last 10 years of my life, I have asked myself and God, "Why all this?" Each event looks so separate. Why have I had so much difficulty finding an engineering job... and I even thought and believed with all my heart that I had a great chance this summer at a position with Tyco Fire & Security, but even that fell through. I have had to work many hours, and many evening shifts to make ends meat, which then caused some relational difficulties between my wife and I (it's hard to maintain, forget about grow, a relationship when your wife is at work or school all day and you're working all night, and you SEE each other for half an hour each day).

I have thought and asked myself many times over the last four years if I had made a mistake with my career choices and my education. I felt like I wasted 10 years of my life, and if I extend it to my undergraduate studies, I have wasted 14 years of my life... that's almost half my lifetime!

BUT, as I said today God has shown me that everything I went through these past 10 years was not all for naught. Today I received my salary adjustment for the technician's position I got at Dawson. First off, I have to say that this job was totally God's provision. There are no teaching positions in my field at Dawson this or next semester, unless someone falls extremely ill, and the next part-timer in line does not want the job... which is unlikely, because he's been holding out for a full-time position for the last 6+ years, taking any and all courses thrown his way. Anyway, I also had to beat out another engineer who had much more experience than I did, and also had networking knowledge, which I don't. By God's grace, I did beat him out and I got my first full-time job in an engineering-related field in almost 4 years.

Here is where the really good news comes. The starting salary was $16.65/hr or so, which when you're making $10/hr plus tips and when you consider that it is a technicians job and not an engineering job, it is great! I had to also get them my school transcripts and letters of attestation of employment from my previous employers. With this information they would adjust my salary according to my experience. Well, I was expecting a dollar or two more. My wife and I were praying and hoping for something like $19/hr. What did God give me... well, with out giving out the actual salary, let me put it this way. I'm making more than I did while working at Wavesat as an engineer, at the same time I will never work overtime (because they have to pay extra and they are not willing to) while at Wavesat I was expected to work unpaid overtime... and I did, often working 60-70 hour weeks. The environment is almost totally stress free, while Wavesat was a pressure cooker of stress.

And what did God show me. All those years of supposed wasted time did eventually pay off. And when a full-time teaching position does become open (which according to the chair will happen in the next couple of years), my salary will go up a bit more again. This also now opens the door for me to apply for technician jobs in industry. Most companies refuse to hire engineers as technicians, because they fear that the engineer will demand too high a salary and eventually try to transfer to an engineering position... but working as a technician works better for me, because it offers me invaluable experience for my dream job of teaching!

So remember, no matter where you are, no matter what you are doing, no matter what the situation looks like to you... God uses it all. And if your heart is pure and for God... He does reward us and He does bless us!

"But without faith it is impossible to please and be satisfactory to Him. For whoever
would come near to God must [necessarily] believe that God exists and that He is
the rewarder of those who earnestly and diligently seek Him [out]."

"Jesus said, Truly I tell you, there is no one who has given up and left house
or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or lands for My sake and
for the Gospel's Who will not receive a hundred times as much now in this
time--houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with
persecutions--and in the age to come, eternal life."

Be Blessed!

Experience - necessary? real? - part 2

In my last post, I concluded that experiencing God's truth in our lives is very necessary. God does not call us to blind faith. There are promises in His Word that MUST come true when we follow His ways... and come true on THIS earth in THIS time (see Mark 10:29-30). Otherwise, God would be a liar, and He cannot bear false witness to His Own Word. However, there is a point where what we experience, especially in the supernatural sense, has nothing to do with God and has no basis in God's Word.

I've heard people talk about their experiences as if it was God's Word and THE truth. Now, I do not deny that what people experience is a reality to them. It is real to them and it is true to them. But to equate that to God's Word and truth is dangerous. And Man has been doing that since the beginning of time. We've added, or we have tried to add, stuff to God's Word based on our experiences and what we think based on what we observe. But it doesn't work that way. God's Word is the same yesterday, today and forever!

It is dangerous to believe and trust in our experiences out of the light of the Gospel. Without the lamp of God's Word lighting our path, we simply stumble around in the dark.

Here are some examples of experiences that may or may not be from God, and do not necessarily have any Scriptural reference:

- When you come under the power of the Holy Spirit, you shake and tremble.
WORD Truth - though there are many examples of people trembling when in the
presence of God's power, nothing is specifically said about shaking or
trembling under the power of the Holy Spirit.
- God speaks through me in
my dreams every night. WORD Truth - though there are examples of God speaking to
people through dreams, if we were to make a statistical study of the ways God
speaks, dreams would not be a the top of the list. God often openly and directly
speaks to people; He speaks to their hearts; He speaks through OTHER people
often; He speaks through His Word; He speaks through our own God-given
intelligence and wisdom; He speaks through His apostles, prophets, pastors,
teachers and evangelists.
- God needs to confirm His Word to me, or He always confirms His Word to
me. WORD Truth - He does NOT. The book of JOb is proof positive that sometimes,
we have no idea why something happens, and God will not give us a reason. That's
why it's called faith. "NOW FAITH is the assurance (the confirmation, the title
deed) of the things [we] hope for, being the proof of things [we] do not see and
the conviction of their reality [faith perceiving as real fact what is not
revealed to the senses]" - Hebrews
11:1.

And there are a million other examples, these are just the ones I've come across recently in my dealings with people. However, like I said, we need to keep the light of the Word as our guide. Here's what I know about how our experiences and God's Word should work together.

First and foremost, the Word says that we must test every spirit. (1 John 4)
Second, everything should be established by two or three witnesses, (Deuteronomy 17:6, Deuteronomy 19:15, Matthew 18:16, 2 Corinthians 13:1, 1 Timothy 5:19, Hebrews 10:28) that includes Scripture. What I mean by that is if something is mentioned once in Scripture, it should not become a doctrine or something necessary for our faith.
Thirdly, like the apostle Paul wrote, not everything is beneficial for us, though it may be permissible. (1 Corinthians 6:12, 1 Corinthians 10:23)

So much more can be said about this, but, really, my point is that too many Christians try to make their Christian walk overly "spiritual", when our spirituality is really strongly based in much practicality. In other words, most things spiritual have a real, practical, visible outcome in this world. And many of our practical day to day actions have a very real significance in the spiritial realm. Things do not have to have a "supernatural" phenomenon to be spiritual.

Be blessed!

Experience - necessary? real?

As humans, we often make decisions and judge things by our experiences. Many psychologists would even say that who we are and how we deal with certain situations as adults has everything to do with our experiences as children. But when you talk about your walk of faith with God, where does experience come into play?

I'm asking this question and pondering its implications for a number of reasons.

I know in my own life that my experiences with God have surely shaped what I believe and how I approach God. The Bible speaks of the presence of God, of His healing power, of the Holy Spirit, of speaking in tongues, and I have experienced all of these and many other truths from the Bible. That is why I can stand before you and testify that the Bible is true today as it was yesterday and as it will be forever.

But when can experience become a trap? When can your experiences actually not reveal anything about God... and may instead reveal a dark and evil truth many want to just sweep under the rug? I think I know the answers, but then how do you tell that to someone who lives by their experiences and cannot see that they do NOT line up with the word of God? However, before I jump into that, let me look at the role of experience in our lives.

Like I said above, experiences in my own life and in the lives of others has shown me that what is written in Scripture is true and real and alive. For example, I was in a church that did not believe in the "power" if the Holy Spirit and in the gifts of the Holy Spirit (see Hebrews 2:4, 1 Corinthians 12, 14), like speaking in tongues, prophesying, dreams, visions, physical manifestations of healing power, etc (know as a cessationist belief... in other words, all these things ended with the first church, for we no longer have need for them). However, when I felt something in the deepests part of my being and my spirit, and strange words came out of my mouth that I did not understand, I could no longer say that the Holy Spirit no longer worked in this fashion. I am not trying to get into a cessationist/revivalist/pentecostal (or whatever other words people use) debate here. So let me use another example that, I think, everyone will agree with and understand.

When I was "born-again" or when I finally realized that is was ONLY through faith in Jesus that I would go to heaven, I experienced salvation as is described in Scripture. I had a revelation or an understanding (that came from God and not from my own intelligence and understanding) that it was ONLY through faith in Jesus Christ that I could be saved. And so I confessed it with my mouth as is described in Romans 10:9-13. So I believed by faith that I was saved and I received the freedom and peace God promises.

Or here is another example based on Phillipians 4:6-7. It says:

"Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and
in everything, by prayer and petition (definite requests), with thanksgiving,
continue to make your wants known to God. And God's peace [shall be yours, that
tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing
nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that
is, that peace] which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount
guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

When I have been full of anxiety and worries, I just prayed to God with thanksgiving, and I experienced the peace of God, which transcends all understanding.

So I guess in a nutshell, I say, "Yes, experience is very necessary." It makes God's Word real to us. It makes His Word alive. It makes His Word personal. Nowhere in Scripture does it ask us to believe blindly or to follow God blindly. Even Abraham, though he did not know where he was going or when his son would be born, followed and obeyed God when He asked Abraham to go to Canaan, because God spoke to him... i.e. Abraham had an experience with God!

However, there is a point where we cross the line of God's Word and experience It in our lives, to seeking THE experience or allowing experience to dictate truth in our lives. And I will write about that tomorrow.

My Secret Place

With our world, and especially (I suppose) our western culture and mindset, being so busy, it is very difficult to get a moment alone... much less get some quiet time with God... at least it is for me--what, with 2 jobs (a full-time one and a part-time one), a wife, church, and various church ministries and activities I am involved with, like the worship team, leadership, a small group, College ministry, and set-up team. Plus throw in eating, sleeping, washing, going to the bathroom, and travel time, that leaves me with, oh, an hour... if I sleep for only 5 hours! :)

OK, maybe there's some overexageration, but I'm sure a lot of people feel that way. And of course, I am not talking about the whole art of practicing the presence of God as the late Brother Lawrence put it. It is obvious that we need to continually keep our hearts open to God, to keep the lines of communication continually open. Verses like Luke 24:53, 1 Thessalonians 5:17, Jeremiah 33:18, Joshua 1:8, Nehemiah 1:6, Psalm 1:2, Psalm 88:1, 1 Thessalonians 3:10, Revelation 4:8, and many others make that absolutely clear.

But, what I am talking about is that quiet time we know we need to have with God... that early morning prayer like Jesus (Mark 1:35)... that secret place or shelter of the Lord's presence (Psalm 27:5, Psalm 31:20, Psalm 91:1)... that prayer closet (Matthew 6:6).

That's what this blog is all about. It is my quiet place, my secret place, where I can pour out my thoughts and my heart to our Father in heaven and our Lord Jesus Christ... in solitude. I'm committed to coming to God each day in quietness and share the words that are deposited into my heart during that time. I am committed to pour out my heart to God through this blog.

It may seem weird to some, but journalling and committing thoughts, ideas and prayers to paper somehow make them more real, more tangible. And it is very hard to fall asleep when you are typing :)

So following posts will include various thoughts or prayers based on whatever I may have read that day or whatever God-thought may have entered my thoughts. This is as much an experiment as it is my sacrifice and offering to God. I pray that the Lord may be pleased with this offering of his child.

Be Blessed!