It's been almost two full weeks since I've written anything on any of my blogs... And I ask myself, "Why?" Too busy? That's as lame an excuse as it gets. Truth be told... As if I can hide anything from You my Father in Heaven... I've been angry and upset and hurt... By a lot of stuff and a lot of people. I've just not wanted to talk about it. I've left it in Your (GOD) more than capable hands. But I need an outlet. Worship is one... And I just love worshipping my LORD (yesterday, was particularly awesome). Writing is another, because it helps me think and express my emotions, which I "normally" keep bottled up inside, at least the really deep and wounded ones. I'm know for baring my emotions on my sleeve--joy, happiness, unhappiness, anger, frustration, love for someone (actually, the emotions that go with loving someone)--I can't hide these. These show up on my face immediately. But there are deeper emotions... I guess you can call them "true" emotions. It's not that I fake the others. I'm just more comfortable and know how to express them. But when someone or something wounds me deeply or even touches my heart in a loving and beautiful way, I don't always know how to express that. So they stay inside. It's the negative emotions that can hurt me though. Those emotions led me down a dark path of depression for 13+ years. I fantasied about either killing myself or being killed (Thank God for my Catholic upbringing though, because I believed I would NEVER get to heaven if I committed suicide, so I never actually attempted suicide... Though I suppose, I had committed emotionally and even spiritual suicide at multiple times during the dark years of my life. Even though I was physically alive, I was not emotionally or spiritually alive).
I will never go to that dark place again. So, I continue to worship, and I will continue to write.
