This morning I am all alone. I guess everyone else was either tired (I understand that one ;) ), forgot or had some other pressing appointment. But that's ok, because I believe this was God's plan to get me here alone.
I sensed that God was asking me, "If you were the only one to do this, the only one willing to stand for me on behalf of this generation of youth, will you?" The funny thing is that I could never do everything this ministry is going to accomplish on my own, and God knows that. But that is also not the question God is asking me.
Will I stand? In prayer? In deed? In words? Yes, of course. Even if I was the only one, I would do whatever I had to do, whatever God wanted me to do. It doesn't mean it is easy. Obviously, I want me wife to stand beside me on this. Of course, I want friends and family to support me and help me. Of course, I want my pastors to watch my back, guide me, teach me and lead me. But what if I was the only one?
"What if" questions are so easy to answer when you don't think about them, because they are so unlikely to happen. But when we ponder them for a bit, they are much harder, because they force us to look at our motivations and our heart attitude.
When I look at my life, everything I do, I do because I believe I am bringing God glory and I am doing what God wants me to do. Right now, I feel like I could sleep for a week. I feel like a two week vacation would not help me recover my strength. I feel burnt out. But, I continue with everything because I love my God. I serve in church, because I don't know how else to show Jesus how much I love Him and how thankful I am for His sacrifice and love for me. I work, really, only to put food on the table and pay my bills. I know that God opened this door for me, but my heart longs to serve in the church, serve God's purposes in Montreal, and serve His people, and from that make my living. I know that Scriptures say that in everything we do, do it for the glory of God. I know that I can fulfill the purposes of God at my job... It's just that it doesn't fit the passions in me.
Ultimately, all I want to do is work for God in any way, especially in the ways that God has shown me through visions and dreams in my heart. I do want to glorify God with this ministry, and though it may be hard, and even if no one else is willing to be a part of it... I know that the vision in my heart is what this ministry is supposed to be--I'm going to sound conceited and maybe "big-headed" right now, but--if it is not implement as such, it won't grow and it won't have much fruit. I know I am supposed to lead this ministry. Exactly in what capacity, I am not sure. But just like Ezra was called to lead the Israelites to rebuild the temple and lead them back into a right relationship with God, I know that I am called to lead this building of this ministry. Just like Ezra took it personally when he found out that the Israelites had broken God's commands by intermarrying with the pagan nations, I take it personally when God's people don't seem to care about the youth and college-aged people of this beautiful city. I take it personally when people seem to be worried about their own well-being rather than the well-being of a whole generation of people, that they themselves are part of.
O, Father, forgive us! Forgive us for not heeding Your Words, Your promptings, Your nudges. Forgive us for our selfish attitudes, worrying about our own well-being and needs. Father forgive me for "protecting" my time from You. But also teach me Your proper balance. Prune away the things I really have no business being in. Circumcise our hearts, O Lord. Make us right before You. Guide us in this endeavour. Give us the wisdom we will need. Give us the revelation we need. Give us the passion and desire we need. Teach us, impact us, with Your Love!
Amen.
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